What Christmas means to me

January 1, 2008

As I sit here on the evening of January the First, in the year of our Lord 2008, I am reflecting on the just passed holiday season and I think about what Christmas means to me. So here it is, in blog-entry form.

What Christmas means to me

but first, a disclaimer. I will not mention all of the various religious aspects of Christmas in this section because, if you believe in such things, you don’t need me to tell you about it. If you don’t, you also don’t need me to tell you about it, because there are other, louder, more holy people around to do that. Also, those people usually are not distracted from being loud and holy by trying to make people laugh.

now let’s get back to me.

Christmas means countless twist ties. They are hidden in every box and package. Every children’s toy, by law, must be held securely to a cheap piece of cardboard by 27 titanium coated, NASA approved, industrial strength twist ties, minimum. Everyone knows the best way to deal with twist ties is to cut them. I know the best way to deal with twist ties is to cut them, but on Christmas morning I still think it’s a pretty good idea to untwist them with my soon-to-be sore and throbbing fingers. I’m a pretty bright guy, as you know.

Christmas means malfunctioning outdoor holiday decorations. The beautiful, scenic light-up reindeer I bought and placed in my front yard falls over like it is drunk. Constantly. I got so tired of fighting with it that I finally attached a red light to its nose and hung it upside down from a tree with a sign that said, “Sorry, kids!”

Christmas means leftover eggnog. I love to buy eggnog near the holidays. I almost never drink any. I guess I’m just in love with the concept.

Christmas (or, more accurately, the day after Christmas) means further proof that I’m not the video game king that I used to be. When the kids get a new video game for Christmas I always think I’m going to kick their little butts playing it. Then, every single one of them beats me, including the 4 year old who then performs a seven minute long victory dance.

Christmas means the a new year is just around the corner. Now, a new year doesn’t actually mean that much unless you still write checks for things. The changing year means you’re going to mess up writing the date on at least a few of them.

Christmas means enjoying time with family and friends and being nice to people you normally wouldn’t be nice to because it’s usually hard to know who your Secret Santa is.

Christmas means lots of people complaining about the commercialization of Christmas, while shopping.

Christmas means at least one gift per year gets the “Uncle B” treatment, which is named after a family friend who is known to secretly disconnect the speaker mechanism in the most annoying new toy and then, when the affected child asks him why the new toy no longer works, plays dumb.

Christmas means that the kids get some time off from school. That’s nice, except that Christmas vacation from school means they have lots of time on their hands to roam the house looking for victims. But it also means that just after New Year’s Day, they have to go back to school and that really is the best thing for everyone involved.

2 Responses to “What Christmas means to me”

  1. omg uncle b does that to toys?! really?! that is so cool! how do you do that? i wanna try!

  2. sweetiegirlz said

    funeeee stuff. thanks for the belly laugh! I needed that after writing all serious crap for awhile now.

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