voice of God

January 25, 2008

So I was actually out in public the other day and I heard a father yelling at his daughter. This guy was completely flying off the handle. Yelling. Screaming. Bellowing. Right near the end of his tirade he bellowed, “I AM YOUR FATHER!” and with that, half of the people in the store looked up, since he could have been talking to any one of us. It actually sounded like the voice of God. Well, God or Darth Vader, I thought. Both of them are big on the “I am your father” thing. Frankly, either way – God or Darth Vader – it’s not great news for the kid. Both of them can and will kill you. Darth Vader can do it with a thought and he doesn’t even have to be really angry.

Now, I know a little bit about God. I read a book once. Really, just about everything I know about God came from that book, but anyway, He can and will kill you too, He just has to be more angry than Lord Vader. Remember, God is the guy who sent fire from the heavens down on Sodom and He is also the guy who flooded the whole world. Except for one guy! And he didn’t even take that one guy up to heaven while the flooding was going on. He put that guy on a boat with his wife and a bunch of pets. So I’m thinking that God wasn’t really feeling all that great about Noah, either.

What I don’t get about the flood is that Noah knew the flood was coming and all he did was build one boat. And his plan worked! But Noah wasn’t the only guy in the whole world who had a boat, was he? There had to have been other boats, right? I imagine some guy on his boat, it rains for 40 days and suddenly the land is gone and the guy thinks, “Well, what the hell, where’s the land?” Then, of course, the guy’s wife starts in on him with, “Well, you wouldn’t ask for directions, would you? Now look. NO LAND! Nice work, Mr. Navigator!” And then the guy would say, “One, I’m not lost, the land is just gone. And Two, I wasn’t getting out of the boat because IT WAS RAINING!”

Lucky for that guy and all the other guys with boats, besides Noah. God took pity on them. And drowned them.

Now, Noah, on the other hand, was set up relatively well. His wife knew what was going on, so she didn’t bug him much. Also, he had plenty of food. I don’t know how many animals Noah had left on the boat when the flood was over, but I’ll bet you it was a lot less than he began with.

OK. I really don’t know where this story was going, but now you know what happens in my brain when I’m out somewhere. Somehow it goes from some guy yelling at his kid to me wondering which animals Noah cooked.

quick update

January 21, 2008

jpchambers.com has been kind of wacky lately. I’m having trouble publishing updates to it. Anyway, my “people” are working on the problem and hopefully things are back to normal soon. I’ve been holding off on the blog entries because my site also hosts a blog and I can’t update that one! So as you can see, I’ve decided that things will just have to go on without the main site blog for the time being.

Things are going along pretty well lately. I’m doing a bit of freelance writing work that a good friend was so gracious as to send my way. It’s nothing any of you would be interested to read. It’s technical/business type stuff.

Those of you who are familiar with me know that I’m no big New England Patriots fan, so seeing them play in the SuperBowl is no big deal for me. However, in my basement I did find a relic from my days as a salesman . It’s a full case of plastic Patriots cups. They’re not the disposable kind, either, they’re nice! I’m going to try to get them listed on Ebay as soon as possible and try to sell them off in the next week or so. I’ll let you know how it goes.

reading: the Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

ok. now back to work.

sports, music and books

January 10, 2008

Hey everyone.

Is it already January 10? Man, the year is just FLYING by. So do I have anything to say? Of course I do. Just a few months ago, we had no kids taking gymnastics classes and now we have three kids taking gymnastics classes. How about that? I thought we were done with gymnastics after Son #1 stopped doing it. Now Son #2 and Daughters #2 and 3 are taking classes, although the girls’ class is mostly to help them become better cheerleaders, not gymnasts. Oh, and baseball season is just around the corner. You’d think all of this activity involving the kids would be a goldmine of funny stories for me to write for you guys, and it should be. Stay tuned.

Two friends of mine have released their new cds in the past few weeks. The new record by Ike is called Where to Begin and it is really good. It’s a little harder than anything John and his various band incarnations have done in the past. It surprised me, as I’ve been hearing most of these songs over the past year and I wasn’t expecting the cd to sound the way it does. Great work, guys. Andrea Glass has released Stood Under Stars and, again, wow! Andrea is a really good acoustic/country/Americana artist I met a few years ago when she was making recordings in her kitchen. Now she’s teamed up with some really outstanding musicians, travelled to Nashville to record and is currently in the middle of her UK tour. She’s accomplished a lot in such a short time and the music is fantastic. Give it a listen.

The new site design for JPChambers.com has received nothing but positive reviews so far. So if you have anything negative to say, get it in before I get too cocky! On the fun page, I’ve added a link to a nerd test. I tested sort of medium nerdy. Not as bad as I thought!

Finally, if you have heard me talk about Markus Zusak or read what I’ve written about his books, then you know how impressed I am with him and his work. The Book Thief may be one of the best books I’ve ever read. Here’s a link to an interview he did about the book.

What Christmas means to me

January 1, 2008

As I sit here on the evening of January the First, in the year of our Lord 2008, I am reflecting on the just passed holiday season and I think about what Christmas means to me. So here it is, in blog-entry form.

What Christmas means to me

but first, a disclaimer. I will not mention all of the various religious aspects of Christmas in this section because, if you believe in such things, you don’t need me to tell you about it. If you don’t, you also don’t need me to tell you about it, because there are other, louder, more holy people around to do that. Also, those people usually are not distracted from being loud and holy by trying to make people laugh.

now let’s get back to me.

Christmas means countless twist ties. They are hidden in every box and package. Every children’s toy, by law, must be held securely to a cheap piece of cardboard by 27 titanium coated, NASA approved, industrial strength twist ties, minimum. Everyone knows the best way to deal with twist ties is to cut them. I know the best way to deal with twist ties is to cut them, but on Christmas morning I still think it’s a pretty good idea to untwist them with my soon-to-be sore and throbbing fingers. I’m a pretty bright guy, as you know.

Christmas means malfunctioning outdoor holiday decorations. The beautiful, scenic light-up reindeer I bought and placed in my front yard falls over like it is drunk. Constantly. I got so tired of fighting with it that I finally attached a red light to its nose and hung it upside down from a tree with a sign that said, “Sorry, kids!”

Christmas means leftover eggnog. I love to buy eggnog near the holidays. I almost never drink any. I guess I’m just in love with the concept.

Christmas (or, more accurately, the day after Christmas) means further proof that I’m not the video game king that I used to be. When the kids get a new video game for Christmas I always think I’m going to kick their little butts playing it. Then, every single one of them beats me, including the 4 year old who then performs a seven minute long victory dance.

Christmas means the a new year is just around the corner. Now, a new year doesn’t actually mean that much unless you still write checks for things. The changing year means you’re going to mess up writing the date on at least a few of them.

Christmas means enjoying time with family and friends and being nice to people you normally wouldn’t be nice to because it’s usually hard to know who your Secret Santa is.

Christmas means lots of people complaining about the commercialization of Christmas, while shopping.

Christmas means at least one gift per year gets the “Uncle B” treatment, which is named after a family friend who is known to secretly disconnect the speaker mechanism in the most annoying new toy and then, when the affected child asks him why the new toy no longer works, plays dumb.

Christmas means that the kids get some time off from school. That’s nice, except that Christmas vacation from school means they have lots of time on their hands to roam the house looking for victims. But it also means that just after New Year’s Day, they have to go back to school and that really is the best thing for everyone involved.